
COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY HAROLD ROORBACH, 

3£t0Otf)ac!)'S full HeSCriptlbC Catalogue of Dramas, Comedies, Comediettas Farces, 
Tab.eaux-vivants, Guide-books, Novel Entertainments for Church School and Par or 
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/ 



ROORBACH'S AMERICAN EDITION. 



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This series embraces the best of plays, suited to the present time. The reprints have 
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1. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD. A comic drama in two acts. Six 

male, three female characters. Time, two hours. 

2. A SCRAP OF PAPER. A comic drama in three acts. Six male, six female 

.jharacters. Time, two hours. 

3 . MY LORD IN LIVERY. A farce in one act. Five male, three female charac- 

ters. Time, fifty minutes. 

4. CABMAN No. 93. A farce in one act. Two male, two female characters. 

Time, lorly minutes. 

5. MILKY WHITE. A domestic drama in two acts. Four male, two female char- 

acters. Time, one hour and three quarters. 

6. PARTNERS FOR LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Seven male, four female 

characters. Time, two hours. 

7. WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME. A comedy-farce in two acts. Four male, 

four female characters. Time, one hour. 

8. HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. A farce in one act. Four 

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9. LADY AUDLEY'S SECRET. A drama in two acts. Four male, three female 

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10. NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL. A comedy in three acts. Six male, five female 
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11. WHICH IS WHICH ? A comedietta in one act. Three male, three female 
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12. ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. A farce in one act. Three male, four female 
characters. Time, forty-five minutes. 

13. DAISY FARM. A drama in four acts. Ten male, four female characters. 
Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 

14. MARRIED LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Five male, five female characters. 
Time, two hours. 

15. A PRETTY PIECE OF BUSINESS. A comedietta in one act. Two male, 
three female characters. Time, fifty minutes. 

16. LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. A farce in one act. Five male, two female 
characters. Time, one hour. 

17. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— Original Version. A drama in six acts. Fifteen 
male, seven female characters. Time, three hours. 

18. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— New Version. A drama in five acts. Seven 
male, five female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. 

19. LONDON ASSURANCE. A comedy in five acts. Ten male, three female 
characters. Time, two hours and three quarters. 

2 °- ATCHI ! A comedietta in one act. Three male, two female characters. Time, 
forty minutes. 

21. WHO IS WHO? A farce in one act. Three male, two female characters. 
Time, forty minutes. 

22. THE WOVEN WEB. A drama in four acts. Seven male, three female char- 
acters. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 

%£T~A ny 0/ the above will be sent by mail, post-paid, to any address, on receipt 
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HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York 



THAT RASCAL PAT 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 




J. HOLMES GROVER 



New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the 
Original Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Cast of the Characters, Argument of the Play, 
Time of Representation, Description of the 
Costumes, Scene and Property Plots, Dia- 
gram of the Stage Setting, Sides of 
Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tions of the Performers, Expla- 
nation of the Stage Direc- 
tions, etc., and all of 
the Stage Business. 



Copyright, 1890, by Harold Roorbach. 





NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 







THAT RASCAL PAT. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Pat McNoggerty 
Major Puffjacket 



( a handy servant ) 
( on half pay ) 



Charles Livingstone ( poor but ambitious ) 
T f niece to Puffjacket and\ 

\ in love with Charles ) 
j her maid, in love with 
\Pat 



Nancy 



Branfs Opera House, 
Harrisburg, Pa. 
November, 1864. 

Mr. J. Holmes Grover. 

Mr. J. M. Davenport. 

Mr. W. L. Jamison. 

Miss Lena Forest. 
Miss Lenora Creed. 



Time of Representation — Fifty-Minutes. 



THE ARGUMENT. 

Mr. Charles Livingstone is in love with Laura, who returns his 
affection but can not secure the consent of Major Puffjacket, a crusty- 
old bachelor, to their union. Charles leaves his servant, Pat McNog- 
gerty, a good-natured and blundering Irishman, at a fashionable watering 
place hotel, cautioning him not to leave the house until Charles' return. 
Major Puffjacket and his niece happen to be staying in the same 
house, unknown to Charles, and the Major offers to take Pat into his 
service ; to which proposition Pat, thinking to turn a few honest dollars 
during his master's absence, assents. Charles returns unexpectedly, and 
Pat, in trying to serve two masters, accidently changes a pocket-book in 
the Major's coat for a picture-case in that of Charles, and to explain the 
mistake he tells the Major that the picture-case was given him by his late 
master, on the latter's death-bed, much to the grief of Laura, who recog- 
nizes it as the picture she had given to Charles. Then Pat explains the 
presence of the pocket-book to Charles by saying that a gentleman had 
given it to him to hold ; and Charles, finding the pocket-book to contain 
his own letters to Laura, supposes the Major, whom he had never seen, 



TMP92-009136 



THAT RASCAL PAT 3 

a rival, grossly insults the latter and challenges him to mortal combat. 
After a comical series of complications all the parties meet and explanations 
ensue. Laura, discovering that Charles is not dend, pleads for forgive- 
ness which the Major finally grants, together with his consent to their 
marriage. And though deeply incensed at Pat, he concludes that, as the 
latter is about to marry Laura's maid and can thereby easily serve both 
his old and his new master, the best thing he can do is to retain in his 
service That Rascal Pat. 

COSTUMES. 

McNoggerty. — Red wig and dress of a body servant. Gray frieze 
coat. 

Puffjacket. — Military cap and dark blue undress military suit. Over- 
coat. 

Livingstone. — Fashionable walking suit. Overcoat. Black silk hat. 

Laura. — Lady's walking dress. Straw hat, with feather. Parasol. 

Nancy. — Plain muslin dress looped up over red petticoat. 

PROPERTIES. 

Writing materials. Letter for Nancy. Pocket-book, containing a 
packet of letters, in Puffjacket's overcoat pocket. Picture, in case, in 
Charles' overcoat pocket. Cane and money for Puffjacket. Visiting 
card for Charles. Money for Laura. Dish of hot oysters, clothes brush 
and shillalah for Pat. 

STAGE SETTING AND SCENE PLOT. 



/ 



Door 



Interior Backing 
1 Boor 1 — 



J 



•9* 

Table ^Chairs 




Scene. — A large public room in a fashionable watering place hotel. 
Wide door c. in the flat, opening upon a hall or corridor. Practicable door 
R., with "No. 2" on it. Another door l., with "No. I " on it. Both 
side doors to open on stage. Table and chairs down r. c. Hat-stand 
up l. c 



THAT RASCAL PAT. 
STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



Observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R. means right; 
L., left; c, centre; R. H., right hand; l. h., left hand; r. c, right of 
centre; l. c, left of centre; c. D., centre door; upstage, towards the 
back ; down stage, towards the footlights. 



R. 



R. C. 



L. C. 



Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has 
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book pro- 
tected by copyright. 





THAT RASCAL PAT. 



Scene. — A large public room in a fashionable watering place hotel. 
Table and chairs R., clothes-rack and hat-stand L. C, a practica- 
ble door opening R. with No. 2 upon it, also one l. with No. 1 upon 
it. Both doors to open on stage. 

Enter, Charles Livingstone, c. D.from l.; coat and hat in hand. 

Charles, {calling) Pat ! Pat ! Confound that blundering Irish- 
man, {looks off c. d.) Pat! Pat! I say, Pat! 

Pat. {without) Coriiin' sur ! Comin'. 

Charles, {putting overcoat and hat down) Curse that stupid 
idiot. Here I'm half strangled with dust and no one to help me. 
What's the use of having a servant, I'd like to know? More 
trouble than they're worth. Pat ! I say, Pat ! 

Pat. {without) Faix thin, I'm comin', sur. 

Charles. Then why don't you come? Am I to wait here all day 
for that fellow ? I've threatened half a dozen times to discharge 
him, but, somehow or other, he's hard to get rid of. The fact is, I 
owe the fellow so much, and he refuses to quit my service until I 
pay his back wages. Well, well, under the circumstances, I guess 
he'll remain a while, for I'm about as poor as a church mouse. 
Now if I'd only some crusty old uncle, willing to " kick the 
bucket" for my special accommodation, and leave me a snug 
little fortune — but there's no such luck in store for me, I suppose. 
Now there's Laura, when her Uncle Somebody dies, she'll have a 
cool hundred thousand — how I love that girl— and how convenient 
the hundred thousand would be ! I think she loves me, her let- 
ters are so very affectionate. I've already proposed, and she 
seems perfectly willing, but that crusty old uncle of hers, it 
seems, must be consulted. Then he swears she must marry Fitz- 
noodle, or Snoozle. Confound Fitznoodle, I say ! Then again, 
Laura tells me in her last, that the old fool has heard of our 
attachment, and instead of feeling honored by my preference for 
his niece, says if she has anything to do with me, he'll cut her off 
with a shilling. Confound all crusty old uncles, I say. {calling) 
Pat! Pat ! Why the devil don't you come ? 

Pat. {singing without) 



6 THAT RASCAL PAT. 

If I had a patch o' praities, 

Wid two or three pigs an' a cow, 
Shure, I wouldn't call Stephens me uncle — 

Enters, C. D. from L. 

Here I am, sur ! 

Charles. Will you hold your tongue, sir? 

Pat. [taking hold of tongue with thumb and finger) I have it, 
sur. 

Charles. How dare you sing in a public place like this? 
(Charles threatens Pat) 

Pat. Shure, an' it's in public I does the most o' me singin', sur. 

Charles. Silence ! 

Pat. I'm covered wid blushes entirely, sur. 

Charles. Pat, come here ! 

Pat. Yes, sur. 

Charles. Were you ever in love ? 

Pat. In love, is it? Begorrah, I was, ihin. In Killibrallaghan, 
County Tip, I was in love so often, sur, that I'm able ter take it 
as aisy as a Frinchman 'd take a pinch o' snuff. 

Charles. Pat, I'm serious — I'm in love — deeply in love — miser- 
ably in love — [with excitement) I'm crazy ! 

Pat. Faix, thin, I'm thinkin ye's are, sur. 

Charles, [aside) What shall I do ? What shall I do ? [walking 
floor rapidly — Pat watches him) 

Pat. [sings) I fell in love wid an Irish girl, 

From County Downe, came she. 

Charles. Silence ! [aside) What am I saying, and to my servant! 
[sternly) Why the devil don't you stir yourself about? Don't you 
see I want to write a letter ? Paper ! Pen and ink ! Come, 
envelopes ! 

Pat. [aside, going R. ) What the devil's come over the master, I 
dunno? Shure thin it's astray he's goin'. Faix but he's afthur 
losin' his sober karacter, altogther, entirely. Exit, R. 

Charles, [sitting at table) Why should Laura write me such 
infernal news? It's enough to set one crazy. If that bigoted old 
uncle of hers only knew how much I adored her — how I worshiped 
the very earth she treads, he wouldn't act so outrageously. The 
old fool has never seen me, yet he insists on Laura's cutting my 
acquaintance, and upon her marryingthat Fitznoodle, because he's 
rich — he has money. Why, Lord help his innocent old heart — 
she'll have plenty for the both of us! Isn't a hundred thousand 
enough? but, if he cuts her off with a shilling ! Oh, Lord ! How 
can we get along ? He can't do it — the thing's utterly impossible ! 
Curse old bachelor uncles — curse Fitznoodle — if I had him here, 
I'd— I'd 



THAT RASCAL PAT. 7 

Rushes R. , and runs into Pat, who enters from No. 2 with writing 
materials, and knocks everything down. Pat falls. 

Pat. {getting up) Oh, murther ! 

Charles. What the devil are you doing in my way? 

Pat. Ye's have knocked th' paper an' th' pins all over the 
flure, an' th* ink's gone t' th' diviiintirely — Th' way ye's ar' goin', 
sur, it's meself s tired o' bein' in yer sarvice, an' if ye's'll pay me 
my wages, I'll discharge meself immagitly ! 

Charles, [kicking him) Get out of the room, you rascal ! 

Pat. Don't ye's want t' write yer letther, sur? 

Charles, [business) No ! Go to the devil — get out of my sight ! 
(Pat picks up things) Stop! Bring me my portmanteau — I'm 
going away. 

Pat. An' where ar' ye's goin' sur? 

Charles, [angrily) Do you hear me ? 

Pat. [starting quickly) Yis, sur ! Exit, R. 

Charles. Let me see — I'll go — where' 11 I go? 

Pat. [poking in his head) Will ye have yer tooth brish, sur — an' 
ye're fine tooth comb ? 

Charles. Come here ! Why don't you come when I call you ? 

Pat. ( entering from R. slowly) I'mcomin' sur. 

Charles. Help me with my coat ! [business) Easy, now, easy ! 
There, that's it. Now, my hat. (Pat hands hint his hat — Charles 
walks floor nervously) Pat, I'm going away for three weeks — 
remember, for three weeks. Don't go away, don't stir from this 
house. When I return your wages shall be paid in full — (Pat 
seems very much surprised) Don't leave the house! (Charles 
rushes off, R. ) 

Pat. Gone away for three weeks ! I'm t' shtop here agin he 
comes back — oh, he' crazy. He's turned lunatic, altogether — 
begorrah, an' it's th' girrels that's turnin' him into a lunatic 
'syleum wid their avil designs. Gone for three wakes ! Be th' 
sole o' me fut, but I must get me hat and follow him. Exit, r. 

Enter, Nancy L.,from door No. i. 

Nancy. Oh, deary me. What shall I do in this dreadful dreary 
place? My poor young missus does nothing but fret from morning 
till night. Master says she must marry some rich young man, and 
she's in love with a poor young gentleman. I know what I'd do 
— uncle or no uncle, I'd just run away, and marry the one I loved 
best. If I could only see my young man — he's the flame of my 
affections — oh, he's such a nice young man ! He's perfection, 
only his name's Pat! That would have to be changed. Oh, 
dear, I never could become Mrs. Pat. [business — struts about with 
affected dignity) 



THAT RASCAL PAT 
Enter, Pat, r. seeing Nancy, and unseen by her. 



Pat. Oh, look at that ! Who's this, I dunno ? 

Nancy, (turning and seeing Pat — aside) Ah ! that's a nice young 
man — who can he be? How he's watching me. (turns away indig- 
nantly) 

Pat. (recognizes her) What! No! Yes, that's Nancy ! What 
th' divil brings her here, I wonder? Nancy! Nancy! — I say, 
Nancy ! (business) 

Nancy, (turning to Pat) Goodness gracious, if it isn't Pat ! 
Why, Pat, where in the name of goodness did you come from ? 
You put me all in a flurry, (turns Pat around rapidly) Turn 
around and let me see you, is it really you ? 

Pat. Av coorse it's me — shure, if ye's kape on in that way much 
longer, ye's '11 have me turned into somebody else ! But, Nancy 
darlin', what ar' ye's doin' here? Ye's ought t' be ashamed o' 
yerself, so ye's ought, the way ye's have kilt me intirely, wid yer 
doin's. Faix, 1 thought ye's were gone from me foriver andiver 
altogether. 

Nancy. Come, come, Pat — I'll tell you all about it. You must 
know, I'm a young lady's maid now, and 

Pat. Ar' ye's, now ? 

Nancy. Yes, and my young missus came down here to the sea- 
shore with her rich old uncle, and I'm her companion, (business — 
struts about stage) 

Pat. Come here, Nancy — let me look at ye's. Ye's haven't 
gone and bruke me heart, since I saw ye's, by marryin' any other 
fellow, have ye's? Didn't I always love ye's betther nor a pig 
loved butter-milk? Didn't I tell ye's about forty hundred thou- 
sand times that ye's were th' swatest craythure in th' worreld ? 

Nancy. No nonsense, Pat! If you begin that, I'll run away. 
Listen to me. Do you see this letter ? 

Pat. I do thin, Nancy. 

Nancy. Well then, it's to go to the post. It's for such a nice 
young man. My missus is in love with such a splendid young 
fellow ! Oh, such eyes ! such lips ! And such an exquisite 
moustache 

Pat. Hould on, Nancy, hould on ! Shure, but ye's have been 
t' boardin' schule since I saw ye's, wid yer big worreds ! 

Nancy. Pat, hold your tongue. This letter's to go to the post- 
office, and I want you to take it ! 

Pat. Faix, Nancy, but we're not married yet, an' ye's naden't 
commence yer 

Nancy, (slaps his face) Take that ! 

Pat. I have it. (putting hand to face) 

Nancy. Now I'm going to look after my missus. You'll take 
the letter, won't you ? There, that's a good, dear Pat. 






THAT RASCAL PAT. 9 

Pat. Oh, sartainly — but ar' ye's shure it's not wantin' some- 
thin'? 

Nancy. Why no — can't you read? Read the address. 

Pat. [business) What letter is that, Nancy ? 

Nancy. That's " C " — Mr. Charles Livingstone, No. 27 (Pat 

looks at Nancy in astonishment — business) 

Pat. Is that letter for him ? 

Nancy. Yes ! 

Pat. An' does yer missus love that man ? 

Nancy. Yes, but Pat, you're surely out of your head. 

Pat. [business — Pat catches Nancy up and begins dancing 
furiously) Whooroo ! 

Nancy. Pat, Pat, you're crazy ! 

Pat. Nancy, Nancy, we'll be shtep-brothers, so we will. Charles 
Livingstone! Shure, he's me masther, an' he's here now. He's 
here in this very house, only he's gone t' th' divil — gone t' th' 
divil t' shtop away for three wakes ! 

Nancy. Pat, you've gone mad 

Pat. Am I thin? Sh ! — Sh ! — Come here, Nancy. Don't spake 
a word for th' worreld. [leads her down) 

Nancy. Oh, I won't say a word. Won't it be nice? And he's 
here, in this very hotel ! Oh, Pat — we'll see each other so often ! 

Pat. [points off l. h.) Sh !— What's that? (Nancy looks off 

L. H.) 

Nancy. Where ? 

Pat. There ! (Pat steals kiss, and exit c. D. and l.) 

Nancy, [running after him) How dare you! Oh, he's gone. 

He's so nice. What splendid times we'll have these fine evenings, 

walking along the shore, [looks off L.) Oh, laws — here comes 

master, and in such a temper ! 

Enter, Major Puffjacket, l. 

Major. Nancy, Nancy, come here. What are you doing out 
here, when you know you are wanted inside ? Get me my hat 
and cane ! 

Nancy. Yes, sir. [aside) The wretch ! Exit, indignantly L. h. 

Major. What a miseraole place to be dragged into — I detest 
fashionable watering places. People have no business to be fash- 
ionable. Confound fashion ! I like comfort — and what comfort 
can one find here, packed up in a seven-by-nine room, and 
crowded down to a table with a pack of hungry codfish aristocracy, 
who grab everything within their reach, and eat as though they 
never saw roast beef or chicken before. That niece '11 be the 
death of me yet. Women are all alike, young and old — I never 
loved but one woman in my life, and that was my mother ! That 
niece of mine is crazy after that " Charles " Somebody — says he's 
so handsome ! Handsome — umph — dollbaby face, and poor as a 



IO THA T RASCAL PA T. 

church mouse. There's Fitznoodle, he has plenty of money — she 
won't look at him. What's beauty ? Fitznoodle has the beauty 
— money, money — that's the beauty. Egad ! she shan't have her 
handsome Charles Dollbaby face — I've procured all her letters — 
[produces large pocket-book with tetters from coat pocket) Here they 
are, all safe, and they shall be burned as sure as my name's PufT- 
jacket. (calls) Nancy ! Nancy ! 

Enter, Nancy, with coat, hat and cane, L. 

Nancy. Here they are, sir. Shall I assist you ? 

Major. No! I want no petticoat assistance. I'm going out. Go 
to your mistress ! (exit, Nancy l., angrily) Laura shall never meet 
that pauper. Egad, I'll soon put a stop to this business! (going 
towards c. d., rims into Pat, who enters) 

Pat. I beg your pardon, sur ! I — I — I 

Major, (business with cane) What do you mean, fellow ? Do 
you see this cane? 

Pat. Faix, I do. Meself'd rather see it nor fale th' like of it 
'pon me head, anyhow. But ye's '11 forgive a poor boy, as 
wouldn't harm a hair o' yer head for th* woneld. 

Major. Who are you, fellow? 

Pat. I'm an Irishman, sur, long life t' me. Me mother was an 
Irishman before me. I was born in Killibrallaghan, County Tip. 
Me father was a Mullahawn, an' I've fourteen brothers and thir- 
teen sisters, an' me mother died two years before I was born, 
sur 

Major. Stop! Stop! Stop! Enough of your pedigree. Do you 
want work ? 

Pat. Work? Did ye's say work, sur? 

Major. Yes, work! None of your infernal gabble — Yes, or no! 
and quickly, too. I want a man servant; if you suit me, I'll pay 
you five dollars in advance. Say quickly. Will you enter my ser- 
vice, or not? 

Pat. (aside) Five dollars! Many's the day I didn't see th' 
likes o' that. 

Major. Come, what say you ? 

Pat. Hould on, sur. (aside) What' 11 I do if my masther comes 
back ? Yes, sur 

Major. Enough! What's your rascally name? Mind, now — 
make it a short one — I hate long names. None of your Thomas 
Augustuses — or William Henrys for me — but something short. 

Pat. Somethin' short! Yis, sur — somethin* short, that's what 
ivery Irishman likes — my name, yer honor, is Patrick McNoggerty, 
generally called Pat, for short. 

Major. Pat, good. 

Pat. No, sur. Not Pat Good, but Pat McNoggerty. But, it's 
all one in bog Irish. 



THAT RASCAL PAT. II 

Major. Now, Pat for short, bring me a plate of oysters — I'll eat 
them here. Stewed oysters. Mind they're hot — I'll not go out. 
I've changed my mind. In the meantime, I'll change my coat. 

Exit, l. in No. i — Pat sings. 

Song, "PADDY WHACK." 

Air — Pat Maloy. 

Come one an' all, both great an' small, an' listen t' me tale, 
The story that I'm goin' t' tell, will make ye weep an' wail ; 
I'm not a rich man, but I has th' clos' upon me back, 
An' Ireland is me country, an' me name is Paddy Whack. 
Me father was a Mullahawn, me mother was a Fay, 
An' I was born at home one night when she was gone away ; 
When she returned, she found me there, full flat upon me back, 
A jug o' whisky in me hand, an' cryin' Paddy Whack. 

But since that time, how things have changed, I've grown t' be a 

man, 
I've traveled over all th' airth, from Russia to Japan ; 
I've saved three fortunes, but they're spint, an' all gone t' th' 

rack, 
But Ireland is me country, an' me name is Paddy Whack. 
I've crossed th'say, for Americkay, where as I understand, 
Whoever pays his income tax, can be a congressman ; 
A congressman I'm sure t' be, bekase 1 have a knack 
Of makin' this free country th' home of Paddy W T hack. 

Well, here's a comfortable situation. Two masthers an' an old 
swateheart upon me hands at wanst. What' 11 I do if me other 
masther comes back, I dunno? [seats himself at table) five 
dollars, an' Nancy in th' bargain, {jumps up) Oh, Musha, thin, 
but I'm afther forgettin' them oysters, intirely. Exit, L. h. 

Enter, Laura r., in walking dress and straw hat. 

Laura. I do wonder where Uncle can be? I've missed a whole 
package of letters from my dressing-case. I was always afraid of 
being robbed at these public places. And poor dear Charles' 
letters, too. Perhaps Uncle is in the garden. Exit, c. d. and r. 

Enter, Pat l. h. , with dish of hot oysters. 

Pat. [business) Oh, bad luck t' these divils, they're as hot as 
love. What's that I hear? Mister Charles, an' he comin' — 
shure an' he musn't see these, [business) 

Enter, Charles C. D.,from L., hurriedly. 
Charles. Well, Pat, I'm back again. What are you doing? 



12 THAT RASCAL PAT. 

Pat. Nothin', sur. [business with oysters behind hint — they burn 
his hands) Bad manners t' th' slippery divils 

Charles. What have you in your hands ? 

Pat. [holding dish in left hand and showing right hand') Nothin', 
sur, but me fisht ! 

Charles. The other hand ! Why, you're squirming about like a 
skinned eel ! 

Pat. (business ad. lib.) Nothin' but th' other fishst, sur. (aside) 
Faix, I'm burned up, intirely. 

Charles, (business) What's this, oysters ! (takes them) Oh, I see. 
You saw me coming, and knowing the walk would sharpen my 
appetite, thought to surprise me. That's very kind of you, Pat- 
rick, very kind, (eating) These oysters are uncommonly nice. I 
do enjoy stewed oysters. These are capital ! 

Pat. (greatly frightened) How'll I get him away out o' this? 

Charles, (eating) Pat, I've changed my mind. I'm not going 
away. 

Pat. (hands his hat — business) Ye'd betther go, sir. Ye'd 
betther go ! 

Charles, (choking) No! Confound you — I say I'm not going. 

Pat. (looks offL.) Murther, murther, here comes me masther 
from number i. 

Charles, (rising and taking off coat) Here, Pat, brush this coat, 
and bring it to me immediately. Exit in No. 2,r. 

Pat. (taking coat and seating himself ) Well, divil blow me, I'm 
diggin' me own grave, so I am. (feels into pockets) I niver can 
brish a coat when there does be anything in the pockets, (takes 
out a large picture-case and lays it on chair) 

Enter, Major Puff jacket — he takes off coat and hands it to Pat. 

Major. Here, Pat, brush this coat. Make haste — I'm in a hurry. 
(he throws coat to Pat, and exit in No. i) 

Pat. (with a coat in each hand) Shure, Bedlam has comminced. 

Major, (putting his head in from No. i) Bring it here ! 

Charles, (within No 2,R.) Pat, my coat ! 

Pat. (hastily lakes large pocket-book from Puffjacket's coat, 
puts it on chair beside Charles' picture-case, and commences brush- 
ing Major's coat) Yis, sur! 

Major, (entering) Come, come, Pat — my coat. 

Pat. (hastily puts Charles' picture-case in Puffjacket's coat- 
pocket, and pocket-book in Charles', and tries to put Charles' 
coat on the Major) Here it is, sur. Oh, I'm kilt immagitly. 

Major, (business) What the devil are you doing? That's not 
my coat ! 

Pat. (aside) Oh, murther an' turf — that's me other masther's ! 
{changes coats) 

Charles (within No. 2,k.) Pat, I say ! 



THAT RASCAL PAT 1 3 

Major. Who's that calling? 

Pat. [having put Major's coat on, is trying to get him away — 
business) Nobody, sur, nobody. That's only the hand-organ man 
outside, wid a monkey. (Pat runs from place to place with fright; 
business) 

Charles. Pat! 

Pat. Comin', sur, comin' ! 

Major. What the devil do you mean? Who's that calling you? 

Pat. Yis, sur — yis, sur — that's a sick man, sur — he's very sick, 
>ur. His grandfather ax'd me would 1 wait upon him, agin he 
wint furninst t' get some 1 

Charles, [very loudly) Pat, do you hear me? 

Pat. I'm comin' amagitly, sur! [going r., Major stops him) 

Major. No, stay here. I'll go 

Pat. [stopping him) No! Sh ! — Sh ! — don't go near him for th' 
worreld. Shure, he's got th' Colly wabbles in his diaphramic 
Cholorium, an' th' doctor says nobody but an Irishman can live 



wi 



din his prisence 



Enter, Nancy from No. 1 — her business with Pat — they whisper 
aside from Puffjacket. 

Nancy. Please, sir, my young missus wants to see you right 
away. She's in the garden, sir. (Puffjacket walks c. towards 
c. D.) 

Major. Pat, you go and wait upon the sick man. — I'll return in 
a minute. Come, Nancy, [business with Pat and Nancy) 

Exeunt C. D. 

Pat. Iverything is gittin' topsey-turvey. Faix, but I'll be fallin' 
upwards for th' ground nixt. 

Enter, Charles, angrily, from No. 2. 

Charles. Confound you, Pat. Are you deaf? Didn't you hear 
me call ? 

Pat. [putting his hand up to face, as if in pain) Yis, sur, but 
I'm kilt intirely wid th' toothache! Look at me tooth, sur, how 
it's aching. Wow ! Wow ! Wow ! 

Charles, [putting on his coat) Don't stir from here. I shall 

return in a few moments. Remember, if I find you gone, I'll 

Exit, C. D. quickly. 

Pat. All right, sur. [song introduced with a music cue) 

Enter, Major, l. h. puffing as if from rapid walking. 

Major. Oh, Lord ! Oh, Lord ! to call me all the way down to 
the shore to look at a shell. Pat, come here ! 
Pat. Yis, sur ! 



14 THAT RASCAL PAT 

Major. Get me some — [feeling in his coat pocket for pocket-book) 
Where's my pocket-book? [takes out picture-case) What's this? 

Enter, Laura L., from No. I. 

Pat. [aside) Begorrah, I've changed th' contints o' their 
pockets. 

Major. Picture ! How came this in my pocket ? 

Laura. [looking at picture anxiously, over Puffjacket's shoul- 
ders) Why, Uncle, where did you get that? [aside) It's the one 
I gave Charles. 

Major, [putting the picture at Pat) Do you see that? Do you 
see that? Do you see that? 

Pat. [takes the picture and looks from it to Major, and from 
Major to it) Ton me sowl, sur, nobody' d iver think o' takin that 
for yerself. 

Major. How came that in my pocket? Answer me, how came 
it there? Where's my pocket-book? 

Pat. [aside) What'll I do at all, at all? 

Major. Do you hear me ? How came this in my pocket ? 

Pat. Hould on, sur, hould on! Shure, I'll tell ye's all about 
it. Ye's see, there's a gintleman here, sur, beyant, an' he came 
t' me, an' sis he, Pat, sis he. Sur, sis I 

Major. I want nothing to do with your "says I and says he" — 
tell me how this picture came in my pocket? 

Pat. Well, thin — that's what I'm comin' to — brish me coat, sis 
he, I will, sis I — an' so, d' ye's mind, I — I beg yer pardon, sur, 
would ye's let me see that picture? 

Major. There it is ! 

Pat. That picture, sir — [looks at it comically) Why, that picture 
belongs t' me ! 

Laura, [with surprise) To you ! 

Pat. Yis, miss — that picture was th' last gift of me poor, dead 
masther [cries comically) 

Laura. Dead ! 

Pat. Yis, miss — me poor dead masther loved that picture betther 
nor he loved his grandmother — but, he died, ma'am, he died wid 
his lips upon the shaddy o' that beautiful lady 

Business — crying ad. lib. — Laura gives him money, in order to 
solicit information. 

Laura. Did he love her, then ? [very pitifully) 

Pat. Yis, ma'am — he loved her altogether — whin he was 'ponhis 
death-bid, he sis Pat, sis he, take that. I will, sis I. Take that, 
sis he, an if ye's iver mate wid th' darlin' crayture, tell her, sis he, 
tell her I died wid me heart batin' 'pon th' lips o' th* swate face 
ov her. [crying &>c. ) 



THAT RASCAL PAT. 1 5 

Major, {giving him money) What was your master' s name ? 

Pat. [nervously) Charles Livingstone — {looking off c. D. and l. 
aside) An' I'm ixpictin' ivery minute t' see him risin' from th' 
dead, [cries comically — ad. lib. ) 

Major, {giving him money) Charles Livingstone, dead ! (Laura 
is dreadfully pale) Where did he die ? 

Pat. He died, sur, he died in th' house where he now lives, sur. 

Laura, {giving him money) Did he seem attached to the original 
of this picture ? 

Pat. Yis, ma'am, he — {looks off c. d., aside) Begorrah, here 
comes me other masther 

Major. Come, Laura, don't cry — let us go into the open air — 
don't cry, my dear — you ought to be very happy to get rid of such 
a worthless lover. Exeunt, L. H. 

Pat. {business) Oh murther, murther, here comes me old masther 
— Now for th* divil, intirely. 

Enter, Charles, C. D.,from L., with pocket-book in hand. 

Charles. You vagabond Irishman, what the devil is this you've 
put in my pocket? 

Pat. That pocket-book, sir — There's a gintleman, sur, a gintle- 
man as shtops here in th' house, an' he came t' me t'day, an' sis 
he, waiter, sis he — thinkin' I was one o' th' common waiters, sur 
— well, thin, thinkin' as how I might aim an honest penny, here I 
am, sur, sis I. Waiter, sis he, take this, an' kape it agin I comes 
back, sis he — I will, sis I. An' sur, t' make a long shtory short, 
he left th' pocket-book wid me, an' wint away, an' 

Charles, {angrily) Yes, yes, but how came it in my pocket? 

Pat. Ye's see, sur — thinkin' as how I might be afther loosin' it, I 
put it int' ye' re coat pocket, an' I forgot t' mention it t' ye's, sur. 

Charles, {seating himself at table and examining letters) What's 
this? Letters! As I live, they're mine — The very ones I wrote 
Laura, {rises — business) Pat, come here! Who gave you this? 
Answer, or I'll break every bone in your Irish body. 

Pat. Th' gintleman, sur, th' gintleman 

Charles. Well, well, what's all this to do with it? 

Pat. He tould me not t' part wid thim, sur — for t' kape th' likes 
o' thim agin he com'd back, 'kase he wouldn't part wid 'em for the 
whole worreld, tho' it might be lined wid praities, an' soaked wid 
butthermilk an' whisky. 

Charles. Where is this man ? 

Pat. Shure he's 

Charles, {aside) I see it all — I'm duped ! She loves me no 
longer. She's been amusing herself with our correspondenc 
And he too — curse him, he's been laughing over my letters — I'll 
be even with him yet. I'll meet him, and — but 1 love her. {rises) 
Oh, I shall go mad. Pat, come here ! 



1 6 THAT RASCAL PAT 

Pat. Yis, sur. 

Charles, {furiously) Go to the devil, [business — Charles rushes 
about room ferociously) 

Pat. 'Pon th' sowl o' me fut, I think it's in that direction I'm 
goin'. 

Charles, [seating himself at table, and examining letters) If I 
could only find his name — perhaps it may be here. Yes, here it 
is — Puffjacket, Major Timothy Puffjacket. Puffjacket ! A pretty 
cognomen. I'll puff his jacket for him. I see it all — some officer, 
curse his ugly body, (enter, Major, l. h., not seeing Charles) 
But I'll find him, young or old, he shall fight me ! (Charles slaps 
letters down ferociously on table) * 

Major, [who has been looking at letters) I beg your pardon, sir, 
but that has much the appearance of my pocket-book. 

Charles, [rising) Your pocket-book, sir, your pocket-book ? 

Major. Yes, sir. My servant, through some 

Charles. Your name is, then 

Major. Puffjacket, sir, Major Timothy Puffjacket. 

Charles, (rising) I knew it! I knew it! Puffjacket, you're a 
villain ! 

Major, [business with cane) A villain, sir ! A villain ! What do 
you mean, sir? what do you mean ? Do you know that I am an 
officer, sir — an officer in the army ? 

Charles. I repeat it, sir, I repeat it ! Puffjacket — officer, or no 
officer, you're a villain and a coward, and, sir, you shall either 
fight me, or demme, I'll publish you. 

Major. Young man 

Charles. Where the devil did you get these letters? Where did 
you get them — you infernal old villain, how did you get them ? 

Major. Letters! Infernal villain ! Letters! Young man 

Charles. Yes, sir, letters! Where did you get them? How 
came they in your possession? [business) But I'll waste no more 
time in words with such an old ass. Here's my card. In five 
minutes I shall return — meet me here — I demand satisfaction, sir, 
satisfaction! Remember, in five minutes, you old fool, in five 
minutes. Exit, Charles, c. d., ferociously. 

Major, [excitedly) Villain — coward — knave — old fool. Who can 
this madman be? [looks at card) What's this? Livingstone! 
Charles Livingstone — the man for whom Laura has so often pleaded 
and not dead? This is very strange! Pat! Pat! Where th' 
devil is that servant of mine ? A pretty mess I've got myself into ! 
Livingstone not dead, and Laura crying her eyes out over thai 
infernal Irishman's concocted story. Everything, everybod) 
seems conspiring against me. 

Pat. [poking in his head from R. h.) Wor ye's callin' me, sur? 

Major, [highly excited) Pat, come here ! [aside) I'll have this 
Irishman break every bone of his rascal body. Pat, can you fight ? 



THAT RASCAL PAT. iy 

Pat. {business) Is it fight? Whooroo ! 

Major. Listen to me! In five minutes a man will enter that 
door. Be ready for him — here, take my stick, and beat him well. 
As soon as the deed is accomplished you shall have twenty dollars. 
Do you understand ? 

Pat. Twenty dollars ! Ar' ye's particular, sur, if I breaks a few 
bones ? 

Major. No, the more the better ! Will you do it ? 

Pat. Do it ! Begorrah, I'm an Irishman. Give me twenty dollars 
an' I'll wollop th' whole worreld, an' blacken th' two eyes o' me 
grandmother ! 

Major. Here's half the amount in advance. Be very cautious — 
take this stick and 

Pat. Niver fear, sur — oh, I'll give him th' worth o' th' money. 

Major. Take this cane 

Pat. No, sur — shure I couldn't fight wid th' likes o' that — it's too 
shlender in th' waist, an' by far too long. Hould on, hould on, 
yer honor, an' I'll show ye's th* darlin' ould stick. 

Exit, in door No. 2. 

Major. I must get away, or that furious young man may return, 
and there's no knowing what the consequence may be. Ah !< 
[looks offz. D. and l. ) I hear footsteps — it may be he. 

Exit, quickly in door No. 1. 

Pat. (enters from No. 2, with shillalah) Oh, begorrah, but there's 
as tight bit o' stick as iver doubled a boy's joys, or helped t' share 
his sorrows. It's many's th' bruken nose that's sint wid a rap out 
o' that. But where's me Brigadier Colonel ? Bejabers, but he's 
a bould man — only he's away from home, an' he's bitter contint t' 
pay twinty dollars t' th' likes o' me, nor pay it t' th' doctor. What'd 
I do if me masther from No. 2 would come in now ? For fear 
he'd come, I'll wollop this ganious here on th' shpot. The ould 
masther '11 think I'm at him, an' I'll kape up th' hubbaboo. Now 
for th' scrimmage. 

Pat changes his voice and pretends to carry on a conversation — he 
represents a conversation with a man entering C. D., and as Puff- 
jacket attempts to peep from door No. 1, Pat gets in front and 
keeps door shut. 

Voice, [by Pat, placing hand to face) Where's your master? 
[still retaining brogue, but speaking in hoarse voice) 

Pat. He's gone, so he is. 

Voice. Did he leave any word ? 

Pat. Shure he did, thin. He said he expicted a bla'guard here, 
an' I'mt* ax him t' dirty one o' these chairs wid his dirty body 

Voice. What do you mean, fellow? 

Pat. I mane that ye're paid for, an' by raison o' vartue inwested 
in me, I'm t' wollop th' divil out o' ye's. [during this conversation, 



1 8 THA T RASCAL PA T. 

Puffjacket frequently attempts to open door, but is prevented by 
Pat — at end of conversation, Pat pretends to be beating his adver- 
sary, and as Puffjackft attempts to peep out, Pat strikes door with 
his stick, all the while keeping up the talk) Take that, ye bla'guard 
etc. etc. [then running quickly to c. d., as if kicking him out) So 
ye's have enough ! Be off out o' that, ye poor broken-nos'd divil 
ye's. 

Puffjacket runs out quickly and attempts to look off c. d. — Pat 
gets before him — business. 

Major. Where is he ? 

Pat. Oh, sur, I broke both his legs an' blacken'd his nose and 
two eyes — an' he's runnin' like th' divil, for fear o' bein' hurted — 
but — [standing before Puffjacket) Th' money, sur, th' money 

Major. There it is — [counts it out to him) One, three, eight, ten 
— ten dollars, and I don't begrudge it either. You're sure you 
gave it to him well ? 

Pat. [business with money) Faith, I gave th' bla'guard th' worth 
o' th' money. 

Major, [gleefully) Very good, Patrick, [going toward No. J.) 
If that vagabond should return 

Pat. Oh, niver fear. I'll dust his jacket for him. 

Major. Remember — I shall return shortly. Exit, L. H. in No. I. 

Pat. [seats himself at table and begins counting money) Well, this 
thing can't kape on foriver. Oh, luk at th' money ! What'llldo 
wid all this money? Shure, but I'll go back t' ould Ireland, an' 
I'll buy a horse an' jaunting-car, an' it's meself'll be a gintleman 
out an' out. Faix, I'll marry all th' purty gurrels in County 
Tipperary, an' build a shtone monument t' th' mimory o' ivery 
widdy and orphan, [rises and conceals money qnickly) Murther, 
here comes me masther from No. 2. He thinks he's kilt intirely, 
an' I'll be afther lettin' him think so. Exit, R. H. 

Enter, Charles, c. d. from l. hastily. 

Charles. Now, sir ! [looks about and misses Puffjacket) Gone! 
I might have known it. Why didn't I shoot him on the spot ? 
Where the devil's that infernal servant of mine ? Pat, I say, Pat ! 

Pat. (entering) Here I am, sir. 

Charles. Why don't you come when I call you? Where's that 
old fool who gave you the pocket-book ? 

Pat. Yis, sur. 'Pon me sowl, he is an ould fool ! 

Charles. Where is he ? 

Pat. Gone t' dinner, sur. Gone t' dinner, and won't be back 
for a wake. 

Major, [within No. i. calling) Pat ! Pat ! 

Pat. [business) Comin' sir, comin' 



THAT RASCAL PAT 19 

Charles. Where are you going, do you hear me ? Who's that 
calling you ? 

Major, [without') Pat, I say, Pat, you rascal! 

Pat. [running about) Oh, I'll be kilt ammagitly. 

Charles, [business) Stay here, I say. Who's that calling ? 

Pat. I'll go and see, sur 

Charles. No ! stay here — do you understand me ? 

Pat. [aside) How th' divil '11 I get out o' this ? 

Charles. Pat, go bring my 

Pat. [running quickly towards No. 2.) Yis, sir! Yis, sur ! 

Exit, R. 

Charles. Here, you infernal fool — you don't know what you are 
going after ! 

Enter, Puff j acket from No. 1, in a rage. 

Major. Pat you villian — [sees Charles, who stands with back 
toward him, and not recognizmg him) I beg your pardon, sir, I was 
under the impression that I heard my servant, and 

Charles, [recognizing him) So, sir, you've come, have you ? 
Well, I'm ready. If you are a gentleman, you will not refuse me 
the satisfaction I demand ! If you are a coward, you shall receive 
the punishment your black-hearted proceedings deserve. 

Major, [greatly astonished at recognizing Charles) But — but — 
your legs are not broken ! You are not 

Charles. So, sir — you think to escape me by jesting ? but you 
shall not — [catching hold of him) You shall not ! 

Business ad lib. — Puffjacket screams — Charles beats him around 
room — Laura and Nancy rush on from No. 1, Pat enters 
cautiously from No. 2, and hides under table. 

Laura. Uncle ! Uncle ! What in the world does this all 
mean ? 

Charles, [recognizing Laura) What, Laura here! [runs and 
embraces her — Puffjacket separates them) Can this be your 
uncle ? 

Laura, [still clinging to Charles) Where did you come from ? 
I thought you dead. 

Major. Laura, go in your room — this gentleman and myself 
have some private business to settle. Damme, I'll shoot him any- 
how now ! 

Pat. [under table) I wish they'd blow out aich other's brains. 

Charles, [aside) I see it all — this is her unc'e. A pretty ass I've 
made of myself. 

Pat. [under table) Begorrah, ye's may well say that ! 

Charles. I trust, sir, you will accept my humble apologies. 
Believe me, sir, I am ready and willing to make any atonennent 
you may demand ! 



20 THAT RASCAL PAT. 

Nancy. It's that Pat ! I'm sure it's Pat ! He's at the bottom 
of this. 

Laura. Dear Uncle, if Charles has been guilty of any misbe- 
havior, you may depend upon it, he has been, in some manner, 
misled. 

Major, {angrily) Do you pretend to tell me, Miss, that I gave 
him cause? No ! He called me an old fool, and now — I'll fight 
him anyhow, [business) 

Charles. Really, sir — can I offer no apology? 

Major. None, sir, none! Come, Laura, get in here ! {attempts to 
lead her in No. i) 

Pat. [under table) All right ! They'll have it out yet. 

Laura. Uncle, I am totally unconscious of the cause of these 
strange proceedings, but I solemnly tell you, once for all, that I 
will never marry that detestable Fitznoodle ! I love but one man 
in this wide world, and he stands before you. [kneels) Dear 
Uncle, for my sake, you will forgive him, won't you ? 

Major. But he called me an old fool ! 

Charles. Believe me, sir — had my servant not misinformed 
me 

Laura. But you will pardon him, dear Uncle ! 

Pat. Oh murther, murther ! 

Major. You apologize, then, for what you said? 

Charles. I do, I do. Had I known to whom I was addressing 
those words of insult, sir, believe me 

Major. And you love my niece ? 

Charles. I do, sir. I love her more than life. 

Major, [aside) What am I saying? I shall return to the city at 
once! Where's that rascal Pat ? Pat! Pat! Pat! (Charles and 
Laura retire up, and converse) 

Pat. [aside, creeping from table) How th' divil '11 I get out o' 
this, I dunno ? 

Major. Pat ! Pat ! Where is that Pat ? [very nervously) 

Pat. [aside, trying to get off) Begorrah, I'll be afther getting out 
o' this shcrape. 

Major, [seeing Pat, and catching him by the ear, brings him 
down) Where are you going? Did you hear me call? 

Charles, [seeing Pat and coming down) Pat, you vagabond, 
where have you been ? Did you hear me call you ? 

Major. Excuse me sir, this is my servant ! 

Charles. I beg your pardon— that man is in my employ — I 
brought him here from the city as my servant, and 

Major. Your servant! 

Pat c. and between Charles and Major, who look from one to the 
other in the greatest state of surprise. 

Pat. [striking a position) Most potent, grave, an' riverent 



THAT RASCAL PAT. 21 

sayniers — me very noble an' approved good masters ; that 
I've 

Major, [with anger) Silence ! 

Pat. I'm black in the face wid shame. 

Charles. Excuse me, sir, but how came this fellow in your ser- 
vice ? 

Pat. I begs yer pardon, sur. It's an optical delusion 
altogether. I'm me twin brother — we're very much alike, sur. 

Laura. Oh, Uncle, let the poor fellow go. 

Major. Is this the man you have sworn to love ? 

Laura, [kneeling) Yes dear Uncle. 

Major, {handing her over to Charles) Take her, take her — I 
always swore she'd be the death of me — and it may as well be 
soon as late. Pat, come here. (Pat approaches) Pat, you're a 

Pat. No, sur — I'm not! 

Major. I'll trouble you for that money, fellow ! 

Pat. Ye'd betther let me kape it, sur, 'kase Master Charles '11 be 
afther marryin' his swateheajt, here, an' as I'm t' add another 
head t' me body, an' become th' father ov a family, [leading 
Nancy down) why, ye see, meself and me buttercup here '11 be 
livin' wid ye's, and thin, d'ye mind, I'll be able t' sarve both o' 
me masthers. 

Major. Well, well, you shall remain. 

Pat. Thank ye, ye' re honor. An' now that i very thing's settled 
wid me two masthers here, I'd beg t' throw meself upon th' kind- 
ness o' me patrons t' th' fore, an' airnestly hope they'll not for- 
get — "That Rascal Pat." 

POSITION OF CHARACTERS AT FALL OF CURTAIN. 

No. 2. No. i. 

Laura. Pat. Nancy. 

Major. Charles. 

r. l. 

CURTAIN. 




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Wholly novel in conception, and singularly clever in arrangement, An Old Planta- 
tion Night will prove highly acceptable to audiences of all kinds in church, school, 
lyceum, or parlor. 

Synopsis : Uncle 'Rastus and Thomas Jefferson. — " Befo' de Wah." — " Swing 
Low, Sweet Chariot." — An influx of visitors. — Aunt Marthy's Story of the little 
possum. — The rabbit cross. — Limber Jim. — The Sunflower Song. — The stylishness of 
some folks.— The little white goat on the mountain. — "The Gospel Train." — Polly 
and the screech-owl. — A husking bee. — The Corn Song. — Little Aaron's battlements. 
—Old Dan Tucker. 

%£T" Copies of the above will be mailed, post-paid, to any address, on receipt 
0/ the specified prices. rjg% 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. 



H. THEYRE SMITH'S PLAYS. 

Price, 15 Cents Each. 

A CASE FOR EVICTION. One male and two female characters— light comedian, 
lady comedian and servant. Interior scene ; modern costumes ; time of playing] 
thirty minutes. This breezy little play is so true to life that everybody enjoj s it 
and, as a maiur of course, it is always highly successful. A young husband and 
wife have a visitor who makes them twice glad— glad when he conies and doubly 
glad when he goes. The difficulties that the young couple experience in getting 
rid of their guest, without hurting his feelings, are laughable in the extreme" 
The guest, by the way, is heard but not seen— which fact gives rise to much 
comic il busines*. No scenery whatever is required; and as every-day costumes 
are worn, the piece can be produced successfully without the slightest trouble. 

CUT OFF WITH A SHILLING. Two male and one female characters- 
juvenile man, old man and lady comedian. Scene, a sitting-room ; modern cos- 
tumes ; tune of playing, forty-five minutes. An exceedingly popular play, offering 
unusual opportunities tor good acting. A young man who has married without 
his uncle's consent is cut off with a shilling. But the uncle meets, his nephew's 
wife — not knowing who she is— and is so captivated by her wit, grace and beautv 
that, on learning who she is, he changes his mind, reinstates his nephew and 
allows the latter to reMtrn the shilling. The dialogue is witty, the action rapid, 
and the situations effective. 

A HAPPY PAIR. One male, one female character — both light comedy. Scene, a 
nicely furnished room ; modern costumes ; time of playing, forty-five minutes. A 
brisk little play, full of action and giving numerous opportunities for clever work. 
While entirely free from all "low-comedy" business, it contains enough humor 
to be highly diverting. The quarrels of the " happy pair," and their final recon- 
ciliation can not fail to please, and the play is sure to give entire satisfaction 
either in the parlor or as a " curtain raiser" or afterpiece. 

MY LORD IN LIVERY. Four male and three female characters— light comedian, 
low comedian, old man, utility, lady comedian and two walking ladies. Parlor 
scene ; modern costumes ; time of playing, fifty minutes. An unusually bright 
piece brimming over with wit and humor. The three young ladies who permit a 
comic servant to meet them on terms of equality under the belief that he is a 
nobleman masquerading like themselves — the happy-go-lucky young nobleman 
who is mistaken for a burglar — the comical old butler — all have a vast deal of 
laughable by-play and business. This play was a pronounced success in New 
York, and has been presented to crowded houses in all the principal cities of this 
country. The ease with which it may be staged, and the invariable success which 
attends it, make My Lord in Livery peculiarly adapted to the use of amateurs. 

UNCLE'S WILL. Two male and one female characters — juvenile lead, old man 
and lady comedian. Scene, a sitting-room; costumes, modern ; time of playing, 
thirty minutes. This brilliant little play is a prime favorite in both Europe and 
America, and is admirably adapted to the use of amateurs. The wit flashes 
like a diamond, and the dainty bits of humor scattered here and there keep up a 
constant ripple of pleased excitement. Each character is a star part. The dash- 
ing young naval officer, the comical old man — in which Mr. Davidge made :i 
pronounced hit at the Fifth Avenue Theatre, New York— and the bright and 
spirited young lady, all are first class and worthy of the best talent in any dramatic 
club. 

WHICH IS WHICH. Three male, three female characters— juvenile man, old 
man, utility, two juvenile ladies and old woman. Scene, a studio; costumes, 
modern; time of plaving, fifty minutes. Excellent and much patronized by 
nmateurs. The amusing perplexities of the poor arti>t, who can not tell which of 
his visitors is the heiress and which her penniless friend— who mistakes one for 
the other— who makes love to the rich girl, supposing that she is poor, and deter- 
mines to marry her in spite of her supposed poverty — and who finally discovers 
that he has proposed to the heiress after all— combine to make this a delightful 
P la Y- 

IW A ny of the above will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt 
cfthe annexed prices. As these arc several editions of these plays offered for sale, 
good, bad and indifferent, purchasers will consult their own interests, when order- 
ing, by specifying Roorbach's edition. ^JSgi 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St, New York. 



UNCLE TOM'S CABIN (NEW version.) 

A MELODRAMA IN FIVE ACTS, BY CHAS. TOWNSEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven male, five female characters (some of the characters play two parts). 
Time of playing, 2% hours. This is a new acting edition of a prime old favorite, 
so simplified in the stage-setting as to be easily represented by dramatic clubs and 
travelling companies with limited scenery. Uncle Tom's Cabin is a play that never 
grows old ; being pure and faultless, it commands the praise of the pulpit and sup- 
port of the press, while it enlists the favor of all Christians and heads of families. It 
will draw hundreds where other plays draw dozens, and therefore is sure to fill any hal'. 

Synopsis of Incidents: Act I. — Scene /.—The Shelby plantation in Kentucky. — 
George and Eliza. — The curse of Slavery. — The resolve. — Off for Canada. — " I won't 
be taken — I'll die first." — Shelby ?nd Haley. — Uncle Tom and Harry must be sold. — 
The poor mother. — "Sell my boy!" — The faithful slave. Scene //.—Gumption 
Cute. — " By Gum • " — Marks, the lawyer. — A mad Yankee. — George in disguise. — A 
friend in need. — The human bloodhounds. — The escape. — " Hooray fer old Var- 
mount ! " 

Act II.— St. Clare's elegant home.— The fretful wife. — The arrival.— Little Eva. — 
Aunt Ophelia and Topsy. — " O, Golly ! I'se so wicked ! " — St. Clare's opinion. — 
"Benighted innocence." — The stolen gloves. — Topsy in her glory. 

Act III. — The angel child. — Tom and St. Clare. — Topsy's mischief. — Eva's re- 
quest. — The promise. — pathetic scene. — Death of Eva. — St. Clare's grief. — " For thou 
art gone forever." 

Act IV. — The lonely house. — Tom and St. Clare. — Topsy's keepsake. — Deacon 
Perry and Aunt Ophelia. — Cute on deck. — A distant relative. — The hungry visitor. — 
Chuck full of emptiness." — Cute and the Deacon. — A row. — A fight. — Topsy to the 
rescue. — St. Clare wounded. — Death of St. Clare. — " Eva— Eva — I am coming " 

Act V. — Legree's plantation on the Red River. — Home again. — Uncle Tom's 
noble heart. — " My soul ain't yours, Mas'r." — Legree'scruel work.— Legree and Cassy. 
— The whiteslave. — A frightened brute. — Legree's fear. — A life of sin. — Marks and 
Cute. — A new scheme.— The dreadful whipping of Uncle Tom.— Legree punished at 
last.— Death of Uncle Tom.— Eva in Heaven. 



THE WOVEN WEB. 

A DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY CHAS. TOWNSEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 



Seven male, three female characters, viz. : leading and second juvenile men, so- 
ciety villain, walking gentleman, eccentric comedian, old man, low comedian, leading 
juvenile lady, soubrette and old woman. Time of playing, 2^ hours. The Woven Web 
is a flawless drama, pure in thought and action, with excellent characters, and pre- 
senting no difficulties in costumes or scenery. The story is captivating, with a plot 
of the most intense and unflagging interest, rising to a natural climax of wonderful 
power. The wit is bright and sparkling, the action terse, sharp and rapid. In touch- 
ing the great chord of human sympathy, the author has expended that rare skill 
which has given life to every great play known to the stage. This play has been 
produced under the author's management with marked success, and will prove 
an unquestionable attraction wherever presented. 

Synopsis of Incidents: Act I.— Parkhurst & Manning's law office, New York. 
— Tim's opinion. — The young lawyer. — " Majah Billy Toby, sah ! " — Love and law. 
— Bright prospects. — Bertha's misfortune. — A false friend. — The will destroyed. — A 
cunning plot. — Weaving the web. — The unseen witness. — The letter. — Accused. — 
Dishonored. 

Act II. — Winter quarters. — Colonel Hastings and Sergeant Tim. — Moses. — A 
message. — Tim on his dignity. — The arrival. — Playing soldier. — The secret. — The 
promise. — Harry in danger. — Love and duty. — The promise kept. — "Saved, at the 
loss of my own honor ! " 

Act III.— Drawing-room at Falconer's.— Reading the news.—" Apply to Judy ! " 
—Louise's romance. — Important news. — Bertha's fears.— Leamington's arrival.— 
Drawing the web. — Threatened. — Plotting. — Harry and Bertha. — A fiendish lie. — Face 
to face.—" Do you know him ? "—Denounced.—" Your life shall be the penalty ! " — 
Startling tableau. 

Act IV.— At Uncle Toby's.— A wonderful climate. — An impudent rascal. — A bit 
of history.— Woman's wit. — Toby Indignant. — A quarrel. — Uncle Toby's evidence. — 
Leamington's last trump.— Good news.— Checkmated.— The telegram.— Breaking 
the web. — Sunshine at last. 

\m Copies mailed, postpaid, to mny address, on receipt 0/ the annexed prices. Jg% 



NEW ENTERTAINMENTS. 

THE JAPANESE WEDDING. 

A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese high life. 
The company consists of the bride and groom, their parents, six bridesmaids, and 
the officiating personage appropriately called the ' - Go-between." There are 
various formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and giving 
presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies about 50 
minutes), with the " tea-room," fills out an evening well, though music and other 
attractions may be added. Can be represented by young ladies alone, if preferred. 
Price, 25 Cents. 

AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces the Pickwick Club, 
the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Lord 
Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen and Bob Allen, Bob Sawyer, Mrs. 
and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam 
Weller, and the Lady Traveller. Price, 25 cents. 

AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces Mrs. Copperfield, 
Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, Little Em'ly, Barkis, 
Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, 
Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora 
and Gyp, and the wooden-legged Gatekeeper. Price, 25 cents. 
These " Evenings with Dickens " can be represented in whole or in part, require 
but little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not troublesome to pre- 
pare, and are suitable for performance either on the platform or in the drawing room. 

THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. 

A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, Fortune 
Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any desired number. The 
scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The costumes are very pretty, but 
simple ; the dialogue bright ; the music easy and tuneful ; and the drill movements 
and calisthenics are graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so 
that the entertainment can be represented on any platform. Price, 25 cents. 

THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. 

A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT. The action takes place in Santa Claus 
land on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. Nick and 
his attendant worthies for the gratification of all children the next day. The cast 
may include as many as 36 characters, though fewer will answer, and the enter- 
tainment represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The cos- 
tumes are simple, the incidental music and drill movements graceful and easily 
managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the whole thing quite above the 
average. A representation of this entertainment will cause the young folks, from 
six to sixty, fairly to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same 
time, enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. Price, 25 cents. 
RECENTLY PUBLISHED. 

ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS. A new series of Tableaux 
Vivants, by Martha C. Weld. In this series each description is accompanied 
with a full-page illustration of the scene to be represented. 
PARI' I.— MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains General Introduction, 

12 Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 
PART II.— MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains Introduction, 12 Ta- 
bleaux and 12 illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 

SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. Eight male, three 
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. Eight male, thre« 
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female 
characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedy in one act. Four female characters. 
Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

WANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six male 
characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

SECOND SIGHT. A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female charac- 
ter. Time, one hour. Price, *5 Cents. 

THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female 
characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. Price, 15 cents. 
"^"Any of the above will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt 

0/ the annexed prices. „Jgl 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. 




L I £5^5£_ CONG KESS 

HELMER'S 

ACTOR'S MAKE-U ■ i J!! i S , B™ # 

^ ?ra*tical and Systematic Guide to the Art of Making up for the Stag*, 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 

m * - — i 

With: exhaustive treatment on the Use of Theatrical 
"Wigs and Beards, The Make-up and its requisite materials, the 
different features and their management, typical character. 
Masks, etc With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed for the 
use of Actors and Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle- 
men. Copiously Illustrated. 

CONTENTS. 

I. Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs 
and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. 
Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. 

II. Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crepe 
hair. How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu- 
lated. 

III. The Make-up. — A successful Character Mask, and how to 
make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed. 

IV. The Make-up Box. — Grease Paints. Grease paintL in 
sticks; Flesh Cream ; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a 
liquid cream ; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos- 
xnetique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Cr&pe Hair 
a?d Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. "Old Man's" 
Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's 
Gre*ase. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares' 
Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. 

V. The Features and their Treatment.— The Eyes : blind- 
ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows j How to paint out an eyebrow or 
moustache; How to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye- 
brows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The 
Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose; How to use the nose putty; A 
pug nose ; An African nose ; a large nose apparently reduced in size. 
The Mouth and Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous 
mouth { a satirical mouth ; a one-sided mouth ; a merry mouth ; A 
sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger- 
nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- 
ness indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A Starving character. A 
Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy. 

VI. Typical Character Masks. — The Make-up for Youth 
Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making upas a Drunk- 
ard : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. 
Chinese. King Lear, Shylock, Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary. 
"Clowns. 

VII. Special Hints to Ladies.— The Make-up. Theatrical 
Wigs and Hair Goods. 

Sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 

9 Murray Street, New York. 



